Greedy

I need you to tell me I don’t have a choice. I need you to convince me that I am on the right path because right now it seems so wrong. We are not a fantasy. We are not a hypothetical. This isn’t a game we play to make people jealous or a power play to make each other feel more like a man or woman.

When I am with you I live and burn and die and right now I am scared because something inside feels like I have to choose.

I could spend hours trying to describe my feelings for you, but what it boils down to is attainability. We are devastatingly and frustratingly attainable, but we choose to ignore that.

For you it is obligation and love.
For both of us it is the familiarity and security of our current lives.
For me, a new quiet hope for my future.

These obligations, comforts, and hopes always seem to win, but sometimes they just don’t do it for me. I want to choose you. My future is transient because I still have an ability to choose…but I can never choose you and to me that means no choice at all.

I am torn in half because all of me wants all of you and I feel at any second that I could choose you. And why shouldn’t I? Every single little part of my greedy body, my empty heart, and my hungry soul can be filled with such little effort from you.

But it isn’t fair to even say these things out loud because I know you Luv. I know and I know and I know. But damn if I want to forget. I want to hide this from you because it is futile and selfish and destructive. It forces thoughts I don’t want.

I dont know. I want to text this but I think it belongs in the blog. Everything we have posted so far shows passion and bittersweet emotion and prayer and teasing, but I think there are parts of us full of pain and greed and parts of ugly truths we don’t want to talk about. If this blog is for me, then I don’t want to forget those parts. They will remind me how I got wherever I am going, and hopefully remind me – when I don’t really have a choice, perhaps God is taking me somewhere he knows I should be.

 

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Raw

I dont know what brought it on, but it has  been so hard for me to read this since w you left. I send you measages and some pictures but nothing about what I’m really feeling. I’m almost afraid to. I’m just so terribly raw. I read through the whole blog today and it hurts to read. It hurts to feel. I’m sitting here crying and crying and I just cant stop the feeling that the best part of me is gone with you.

Nights

I am out and I see opportunities for what some people desire. But it turns my stomach. I want who I came with and I could do so much more for her than this imbecile that is trying to pretend he sees her. She is so desperate for someone to see her the way you see me…but do I take that risk?

Do I intervene and show her a taste of what life can be if she would stop wasting her time on what is immediate? What is temporary? Would I be more than temporary? Look at Angel. Look at my first Lover. We took photos together and then……what? Would I abandon this one as well? Do I do nothing? I hate this. I am so full of what I have that I am literally sick for her effort.

I want to save her. Show her so much more.

I’m still me

I feel lost emotionally when we lose contact, but despite that life goes on. I work, I function, watch Netflix all night, and I drink coffee. Yes, coffee! I do that now…even if I mix a full pack of hot chocolate into 8 oz of it to hide the taste. :p

But during all this I am always sneaking glances at our mailbox, hoping to find a sweet comment, a funny story, or a tender reminder of you.

 

 

Rhythm and Sound

I wanted to show you some of the songs that inspire feelings of you or us, but I’m going to do so with songs that I haven’t shared with you before – or at least I don’t think I have. 😉 So here we go…

 

There is such sweetness and childlike honesty in this song. It is so pure and lovely and it plays through in a dream-like melody. It starts with waking in the morning, and ends with thoughts of you. I have days like this Luv, and this song always makes me feel the quiet dreaming hope of simply being close to you:

“When the evening pulls the sun down, and the day is almost through. Oh the whole world, it is sleeping. But my world is you.”

Ah, this one may be a hit or miss for you. One of my “rocker” songs that I never really share with you because it shows my age and makes me feel melodramatic. But this is a mood just as much as any other, and there were a few phrases in this one I couldn’t pass over:

“As I smell you for the first time all over again I’ll begin to remember to be alive. So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve. Cause I’m tired of not being able to breathe.”

The reason I feel melodramatic is because its got a self-deprecating vibe to it and I don’t want to come across as “emo” or “my life sucks”. Its just that sometimes I find the life I signed up for to be so frustrating, when I know exactly what I am capable of with you. I hope that makes sense Luv.

This. Just this. This whole song. Maybe play it twice and give it a chance to breathe. Let that last song go. :p

Like air, Luv:

“With simplicity I’d listen to your breath, listen to your heart beat. I would be so near we could push away the fear. I’d come to see all of your tears. I’d come to see all of your smiles, with butterfly eyes…

And you would know who I am. And I would know who you are.”

Elisa is just glorious in general, but this song is us sitting by the bank of the river, or taking pictures in the park, or lying naked in each others arms, or me holding you in the memorial park…

It is short, more an interlude than anything, but so very powerful. And then it passes, like those moments we share and it is difficult to remember the feeling.

I think I may have shared this once, but I’m not sure. This song reminds me of when we come together after being apart for so long.

Not that first initial thrill, or the quiet desperate wash of emotion, or even the hot flash of passion. It is the feeling after we have consummated our reunion and come down from the high. It is standing in the shower with quiet tears and happy smiles. It is dancing without music, while you hold me close and settling in to the knowledge that you are here with me. The afterglow, the warmth, and the calm:

“Baby its been a long time waiting, such a long long time. And I cant stop smiling, no I cant stop now. And do you hear my heart beating? Ah, can you hear that sound? Cause I cant stop crying, and I wont look down.”

This is such an obscure song I almost forgot about it, but I am so very glad I found it again. This is the feeling Luv, of waking up the day after we part. When we are still connected and still coming back down from our cloud, but the reality is settling in that you are gone. This is the bittersweet feeling of knowing just what we are together, but knowing it can’t be what we want it to be:

“Someday when we’re old and worn, like two softened shoes, I will wonder on how I was born the night I first ran away from you.”

And this song follows the same feeling Luv, with a slightly different tone:

“Remember when we first met and everything was still a bet in loves game? You would call; I’d call you back and then I’d leave a message on your answering machine.

But right now, everything is turning blue and right now, the sun is trying to kill the moon and right now, I wish I could follow you…

To the shores of freedom, where nobody lives. “

This next song is steady and rhythmic and reliable. It has a straightforward message that strips away the big emotion and complex scenarios we sometimes dwell on, and what is left behind is our pure and simple truth.

It doesn’t make the river flow. It doesn’t make your flowers grow.
It doesn’t make you feel alone. It doesn’t tell you where to go.

And It doesn’t make a blind man see. It doesn’t make a lost man free. It doesn’t fix your broken wings. It just means you were made for me.

And when I read these lyrics, I picture you looking at me with a serious, sincere, and honest expression as you tell me…

“I would sooooooooo make your river flow.”

And for the last one a little Gregory Alan Isakov. Full of melancholy but truthful phrases and a bit of a summary of how I felt before I met you and how I feel looking back now:

“I’m running from nothing, no thoughts in my mind. Oh, my heart was all black but I saw something shine. Thought that part was all yours, but it might just be mine. I could share it with you, if you gave me the time. I’m all bloody knuckles, longing for home. If it weren’t for second chances, we’d all be alone.

I’m a shot through the dark. I’m a black sink hole. If it weren’t for second chances, we’d all be alone.”

So there it is Luv. Your songs are my songs as well, and then there is the whole “Yes I Am” album and several other common ones by Tatu or Rihanna, but I wanted to share some lesser known artists, maybe even unknown to you.

 

Need

I always want you, but sometimes it is more of a need than anything. You understand me. You, of anyone, know my flaws and my struggles; How I try to be everything for everyone. How important it is for people to see me and understand me and appreciate me. I crave attention and recognition like I’ve been starved for it, and I end up adapting to be a perfect compliment to those I have a relationship with. Be it work, friendships, partnerships, or as a sister, daughter, cousin, etc.

I came to you with so much hurt and misunderstanding about who I am and how I fill that emptiness I always feel. I used to validate myself through the appreciation and recognition of others. If I am a good friend, I am good. If I am a loyal partner, I am loyal. If I am an attentive sibling, I am attentive. If I am an efficient and capable worker, I am efficient and capable.

The problem with that mentality is that when I slip up in one of my relationships, I not only lose the connection I feel with that person, I also lose that sense of self I gain by proxy of that relationship. I am no longer good, or loyal, or attentive. I am not efficient or capable. I am bad, selfish, callous, and flighty. And when these feelings start to pull me under, I have no safe harbor to turn to because I am at odds in that relationship, so I have no friend or partner or coworker or family to turn to for validation…and I am undone.

You helped me see the error in this way of living, and taught me how to love myself and become my own compass. My own standard of comparison.

But is it working now Luv? Sometimes I worry that instead of seeing myself through others, I have reoriented myself through your eyes. It sounds good in theory, because you show me such a beautiful and shining example of myself. Someone who is centered in God, excelling in vocation, and thriving in a state of Grace that anyone would want to be in……

Am I? Without you…I don’t think I am. I’m falling into old patterns and today has been one of those times where I have come undone in the loss of what is good and tangible to me. I am bad, I am wrong, and I am not enough.

Never enough.

How can I believe you when you tell me I am special, beautiful, and more than enough? I am failing in my vocation and my partnership, I am helpless to my sisters and am not being the daughter I should be.

I don’t know how to feel or what to think, and without you here, it feels like I am falling back down the rabbit hole. Show me how to be good again Luv. Show me to the state of Grace you see for me.

 

Sailing

I used to call it surfing…but I think sailing is a much better word for what we do. There are coined terms for it – this “sub-space” or “trance-state” I fall into, but we’ve tried to fit into stereotypes before and were left wanting. So as with everything we do, I’ve made this term my own – and this is how I see it:

When you take me, Sir – and take you do – it is so much more intricate than guiding through water on my own. Surfing, while requiring skill, is a solo venture. And even if I committed myself to the art, I know could never reach the places you take me when I step into the water with you.

You lead me through nuances and motions that only you can see. You know when to bear away or beat to the wind, how to guide and – you’ll love this one – how to luff. I think you know that one too well, Sir, and as the master of your vessel you get so very close to the wind…so close that the sail begins to flap again and again and again until suddenly I am right there with you. I can see the wave cresting ahead and I fight with all of my strength to turn but you are my captain and your hand is on the lee helm and YOU KNOW ME, Sir. You know exactly where you are taking me and you press on with patience and persistence to deliver me into the wind…….

and then…

I am adrift.

Still Frames

I remember you asking how I felt about you capturing me on film, just days after our first encounter. You told me why, and you probably felt a little self-indulgent about asking, but you were far from alone when it came to that feeling. I had reasons of my own for saying yes, and most of them centered around a silly desire to see that yes, indeed, I was a sexy woman. I wanted you to take sexy, pouty photos of me and to reassure me of the fullness of my feminine appeal and prowess.

Ah, but what I expected and what I got were very different.

Even with this, you set a tone for me; for what would become my routine with you. One that was anything BUT routine, where you constantly take me by surprise and fill me with joy. Where you can read the hurt in me and press kisses to the cracks in my soul – without even breaking your stride. See, for you these photos were meant to mark this memory. A way to say goodbye because you were afraid that I wouldn’t return. Luv, you don’t do yourself justice. Don’t you remember how you made me feel? How you still make me feel?

Beautiful.

For the first time, I felt absolutely and completely beautiful.

In those photos, you showed me how you saw me – not as a sexual object, but as a woman full of grace and love and a quiet beauty that resonated deep in my soul. It was a confirmation of what I had already seen in our first time together – that in you, I had became something worth notice. And you haven’t stopped noticing me, Luv. You see things in me that I struggle to see in myself. But in time, maybe I will.

Seeking You

We began in such a common way Luv. Amid hundreds of thousands of people, searching – seeking – for something unknown. Something new and exciting and, dare I say, a little bit deviant. You led me in, you showed me the way, and you took what I offered you, exactly as I dreamed you would. But after…

How could I have prepared for the way you took me in your arms and held me as we showered? What could have prepared my heart for those moments when we stood together and you cradled me to you, as though I were something precious and worthy and good? And how could you know that you had broken my heart and given me a new sense of hope, all in that single moment, with your hands running over my skin, mingling with the warmth of the water? That’s just it, Luv. There was nothing to prepare me, and to this day I am shaken to the core when I remember.

But you, Luv? Do you know the depth of your affect on me? Do you know what a blessing you are to my life? You ask in your writing: “Are there enough words to explain it?”. My response is: “Sometimes words are all we have,” so I will do my best to give them to you, as you have given them to me.